I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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