guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
