So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
