I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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