pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
