I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize