I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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