Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
