Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
