I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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