My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
