I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
