What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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