I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
