foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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