Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
