i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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