he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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