He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
