can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
