Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
