Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
