Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
