so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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