You really coming over, don't trick.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
