just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
They took my balls.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
