please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
