someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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