She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
