maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
