I think my vagina is haunted
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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