mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
