woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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