I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Randomize
