so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
