overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
