it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
