I feel great
I just peed on a car
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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