Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
