I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
