i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
