i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
