u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
