We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
