is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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