Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
