When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
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