birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
