Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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