Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
