Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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