Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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