I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
