never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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