I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
