I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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