So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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