he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
