My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just fell off a train. Bad.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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