We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
