I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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