I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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