Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
